was i always this boring? there is absolutely nothing to live for right now. i desperately need to find something to do, that i love. everything else seems like such a chore; i am so sick of doing nothing useful and fulfilling. my life is at a standstill. this year was supposed to be all opportunities and new experiences, but i am going nowhere.

i still can't decide what to do with my life. i know i have been whining about this for the longest time and it's getting annoying, but it really has been plaguing my life since i got my results. everyone is asking. chinese new year is going to be fun. "what are you going to study?" "what are you doing now?" i dont know!!! all these off-tangent impulsive-teenager ideas: gap year, theatre.. i think my relatives might get a heart attack. decisions are so difficult to make, especially when there is so much pressure to make the correct one. my parents are being very supportive suddenly. it is strangely suspicious but i guess its also really nice to have them to talk to. i just need a direction. the real world is definitely not as i expected it to be. i am barely surviving. starting out is always the hardest, but i'm already too exhausted to endure the rest of the chiselling process in moulding myself for this new phase of life. all these fantasy-perfect dreams i've had in my mind need to be re-thought, and it's so difficult just to plan out how to get to where i want to be.

also, it was steph's twenty-first on saturday. happy birthday! i was so happy for her; i think steph has one of the most perfect lives. it was not an extravagant party, but held up and made special by all the people she loved. i think steph is one of the most self-confident people i know, sure of who she is in the world and sure of what she wants. i guess that is all we need to be. it really shows.

there's thing you do, you step away from the problems because you dont know how to deal. when it's inconvenient, you leave, you leave me to pick up the broken shards, you leave me to smoothen the pain and slip it under my heart. tomorrow it's always better, because you know i'll be fine on my own. i want you to think i'm perfect again tomorrow. my head held high, my bruises under sheaths of daylight so you'd think i was unaffected. i am strong; devoid of the weakness and rash, childish anger you used to have with another.
anyway moments like these just make me so.. sure.